Family-of-origin hangovers and coming back to yourself
This week, in my weekly women's group, we had finished our first round of checking in with each other and I said, "Yikes, sounds like we all have a good dose of family-of-origin hangovers." Questions of self-worth, identity, and deserving-ness from usually super secure and self-aware people tumbled around us all. It was sweet and funny and sad all at the same time.
You too?
Post-holidays tend to be a recovery period for so many of us who have the gift and challenge of being with family who have the uncanny ability to bring out parts of ourselves we wish we had moved on from long ago. If you relate to being in a family-of-origin hangover, I hope this message is validating and supportive as you come back to your own life and self as a functional and emotionally mature adult!
Lindsay Gibson, PsyD has a helpful book that explains the impact of emotional immaturity titled Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. In it, she describes the interpersonal and intrapsychic patterns that people experience as children growing up with parents who weren't (and aren't) emotionally mature. She also explains what life is like now, as adults, who are living out those impacts in our lives. While the catch-all term "emotional immaturity" might not fully address the complex reality of trauma, mental illness, and addiction, her explanation provides a summary that is helpful to begin to understand why we might feel de-stabilized after being with our families during the holidays. So take a look if you feel called.
Here are some reminders from me to you if this topic resonates:
It's ok to cry when you feel sad, you aren't hurting anyone by doing so, but try to cry to someone who knows how to be quiet and attentive while you do so.
It's ok to say what you feel, but try to find safe, emotionally mature people to receive your feelings well and with care.
It's ok to take a few days to lick your wounds and not feel like a totally functional adult yet this new year.
It's ok to feel foggy and confused about why your holidays didn't feel good if they didn't.
It's ok to feel love and disappointment at the same time.
So, taking a breath, I invite you to take a moment to genuinely answer for yourself:
How am I feeling?
How is my heart?
How is my mind?
Is there something I need to feel like myself again?
Take some time to come back to yourself if you were thrown off over the last few weeks, knowing you’re not alone.
With care,
Kathryn